I feel anxious. I feel scared for you to go to kindergarten. So many fears boil up within me when I sit and think about things to come. And so many fears haunt me from the past five years of your life. However, I choose to continue to engage and stay present with you.
With the coming start of kindergarten I fear we made a wrong choice in the school you will attend. I fear something completely beyond our control will negatively impact you in the classroom. Something like a bad teacher. Or a bullying classmate. Or simply that you’ll be away from our home for three hours a day without us and our direct influence and I cannot be there to protect you.
In looking into the past, I fear we haven’t prepared you enough. I fear the times I blew it (like when I’ve lost my patience and yelled at you) will live without redemption and affect you for years and years. I fear my parenting has been inadequate.
And then I remember I’m not in control and never will be. Despite my attempts. There’s some freedom in that.
At the end of the day, I can do only what I can do. I will do everything I can within my ability to love you well and help you live well. I see the beginning of guiding you to live your life the best you can as I can still influence you. Now you will start, even moreso, to make your own choices on a daily basis.
Which brings more fears. When you make poor choices (yes, you will, as I do), I fear how that reflects on me. I fear you choosing an unhealthy road with unnecessary pain that I can do nothing for.
And again, I’m left remembering I am not in control.
Ultimately, I trust you to God. I continue to pray with you daily. And pray for you.
As I express and explore my fears, I feel them pass away, even slightly. And underneath I find hope and joy and peace. The journey challenges me, but the ultimate fruit tastes or so good. So I continue to entrust you to the One who can impact even more than I. I choose to remain with you in the journey and we both grow forward.